School

Definition

Once there was a life, then there was school. The school system as seen today was derived from ancient educational systems. In response to the bleakness and sadness of unresricted sexual freedom, the ancients invented a form of compulsory education that would require all children born at a very early age to attend a local "educational" establishment that would provide "hope", "colour", "happiness" and "love" to all. The initial system was open to only some children, but later opened up to girls, blacks and homosexuals. A shelf system was formed to help structure a nearly-dead person's educational progress, consisting of several rungs formed out of French-made British steel.

Teachers

After the Student's Revolt of in 1956 or another, the Coalition of Old People (or COPs as they are affectionately known) became the Teachers' Union. Commonly known as "Satan´s Bitches", their purpose has remained secret for many years. Hence members are generally ignored, spat at, shot at, or cursed at. Some suspect that their pure existence is to drain the life out of the universe, child by child. "Teachers" as known are the worst enemies of students (prisoners) and must be killed. Traditionally, members of the Union (Teachers) present themselves to children for 5 days of 7, and children (or 'students' as they became known) were expected to present the 'teachers' with large amounts of work to sift through. Whilst children were away, law stated that the teachers were to analyse and assign a rating to each piece of work. This acted merely as a way to justify their existence and offered no long-term benefits. Students would collect the response and feign sadness or joy in order to toy with the emotional state of the teacher, irrespective of the overall importance of the assessment. Interestingly, it has been estimated that around 80% of school teachers posses repetitive flatulence disorder.

Work

Children are assigned to write a lot of stuff, called "term papers", "essays", "projects", etc. However, those projects may even be bloody, because “prisoners” are sent to special tasks, like James Bond had been sent. However, students are not equipped to survive these assignments, and many do not return. Teachers also assign students to do mathematics tasks, but there is no logic there. And everyone includes photos or posters into folders instead of any written task. That is severely punished but it hardly works, because prisoners have gradually developed immunity over assignments. A system of grades exists to subjugate those brave enough to reject the teacher's sooth-sayings.

• A - Asses. These students are sickeningly smart, and wave it in front of all others faces. They will also be the first to die when zombies take over the world (the invasion will start Thursday).
• B - Bastard. Assigned to those who try really hard to accept the lies but fail anyway.
• C - Cool. As a result of being a member of a gang, the student realizes that only uncool kids get bad grades.
• D - Deadly. Given to students who give other students rat poison.
• F - Fucked up!!!!!. Rarely given. Only for star students, i.e. those who will never go anywhere in the future, unless they enter politics.

(In case you are wondering where the 'E' went, I god an F on Spelling & Grammar.)

If you are an ass 8 out of 8 subjects, you will become the ultimate asshole, more commonly known as the "Honor Roll".

Progressing in School

School, as we know it today, is divided into different levels which are given numbers in ascending order. These numbers serve a dual purpose: The first being a constant reminder of how many years have been stolen from you by the State. The second (and much more widely recognized and understood) is to give a false sense that you are accomplishing something as you move up the numerical scales when in fact, your life is being slowly and inexorably sucked from your nostril.

• Kindergarten, codenamed half-way house, taught young little bastards false lies, including suggestions that the earth was rectangular, the sky was red, the Pope is a virgin, Miley Cyrus is a good singer, and Jesus really was Satan.
• Primary, taught its inmates that "Life is Fantastic" and "All your hopes will come true if you do the Right Thing". These statements are, of course, lies.
• Secondary, the final stage of School was codenamed "High" and promote drugs, alcohol and unprotected sex. At this stage, most kids tend to become aware that they are being brainwashed and some try to assassinate the president. To counter this, many crack houses have placed machines that dispense coke, marijuana, heroin, LSD, and crystal meth.

Food

School lunches generally consist of re-heated stuff from Flea Market. However, if your school is one of those fancy prep schools, you are treated to:

• The contents of last week's school dinners.
• The dust from the old stock cupboard.
• Remains of former students.
• Left-overs from 4 years ago.
• The remains of the fat kid that went missing last week.

The higher quality of school food, equipped with cameras and lasers which are devoured by students. It is mostly made use of for random punishment at a teacher's pleasure by detonating the device once inside the 'student'. To disguise the true contents of the food, it is all thoroughly deep fried in 102% pig fat, to ensure heart attacks at young ages. School french fries do burn quite nicely, however. If you ever need a candle, then go ahead and light one of them on fire. Those things will burn for HOURS!

Similarities between school and prison :

• School - Prison
• Student - Prisoner
• Principal - Warden
• Teachers - Guards
•  Caretakers - Rapists and perverts
• Classroom - Jail cell
• Playground - This is the prison yard, a place where children are beaten to the ground and held down by the weight of several others in time honoured tradition.
• Gym - Torture Chamber
• Dining hall - Gas Chamber/oven
• Toilets - Places where scientists administer the most potent plagues onto innocent students
• Showers - Just like at Auschwitz
• School bus - Prison Bus A large yellow tin can that comes to your house and abducts your children and brings them to a large inescapable building.
• Food - Horse shit
• Chem. lab - Brainwashing area
• Office - Electric Chair
• Workshop - Like prison, if you're good, you get to work at a "job", except in this "job" you work towards cutting off all of your fingers on the band-saw and/or showing off your nerd skills, which in turn gets you beaten up by that kid with 16" thick arms
• Bio Lab - Like a prison, a place where horrific experiments are carried out on subjects
• Physics Lab - A place where you are forced to violate the laws of science, or the teacher violates you.

False Rumours

• Recess is a break from work
• Going to school is better than making out in a drak alley
• There's a pool on the third floor right by the elevator
• There is a third floor
• There is an elevator
• School is good
• School is not where small children hide their drugs
• School is where fat kids get laid
• Tech Math II is serious business

Qoutes

“I quite enjoyed the floggings.”

    ~ Oscar Wilde on School 

“Remember kids, stay in drugs, and don't do school!”

    ~ The Wise Men on School 

“Get your books out, and turn to page one hundred and fourteen.”

    ~ Denzel Washington 

"We don't need no, education!"

    ~ Pink Floyd on school 

“I agree with Floyd. And kids be sure to have your guns cocked and loaded.”

    ~ Osama Dustbin Laden. 

“And make sure you can shoot the damn gun.”

    ~ Raj Thakarey 

“School Security Agency will solve the problem”

    ~ A. Ramadoss 

“Fuck dis, i is leavin'”

    ~ Jorj (George) Bush