Sai Baba's Hair......sorry......Heir

A recent news report announced the finding of the heir of the current SAi Baba. Allow me to give you some background information, as I am personally acquainted with the person in question. For sake of privacy and to prevent one billion hindus losing their faith, I have decided to change names and purposely supress facts and incidents, to protect the weak minded from the true horror of this greusome episode.

The person in question was an extremely close friend of mine. We were in the same class for about ten years, and we were considered the Einsteins of the school. Together, we won National level quizes and debates, pretty much flattening any opposition. We filled up half of the trophy room ourselves.

A bit of background info on this character. Besides me, he Is the most evil person I know (which is a bit of an oxymoron, as no one knows me, not even myself). he was brilliant at pretty much everything he did. He was a hardcore communist, and had a healthy loathing for religion and a proper aversion towards authority figures. He was a hardcore heavy metal fan, an an indiscriminate womanizer. Anyway, back to our story.

This chap secured prety good marks, and for some unfathomable reason, his mother decided to send him to the Sai Baba college at Puttaparthi. Six months into my 11th standard, I came accross this dude near his grandparents place. I hardly recognized him as he was in a lungi, and had shaved his head leaving only a small ponytail. The minute I sang out his name, he turned around and let out a stream of the choicest explicatives I have ever heard. I would have taped it to show to less enlightened souls, if I had not been reeling under the impact of the seventh word, which, in conjunction with the third, had left me gasping. That was the last I heard of him for a year and a half. A few days back, I read an article, the gist of which I will put down here.

One night, when Sai Baba was meditating, god came to him in a vision and told him that his heir had arrived in Puttaparthi and that a sign would soon proclaim his identity. Whoever could pull a sword from a stone (is it just me or does this sound familiar) would be the next Sai Baba. Immediately, the test was set up, and all were free to try. Through a series of unfathomable, embarassing, smelly and completely unforseeable circumstances, involving some PARTICULARLY bad wind, a cigarette lighter and one demented idiot, the chap blasted the stone to pieces. He was hailed as the next Savior of Mankind.

Protesting voiciferously, he was draped in orange robes, smeared with sandal and made to wear wooden shoes. Completely against his will, a number of golden lingams were inserted in his stomach. He was then made to use SAI BABA'S MIRACLE HAIR GROWTH FORMULA (TM), so that his hair would become big and frizzy. When they realized what a plague upon humanity he really was, he was subjected to Electro Shock treatment to make him kind and gentle. My sister was roped in as a specialist in this field. She still gets the glint in her eyes when we speak of this episode.

The latest news I have heard of him indicates that he has been sent to the himalayas to meditate for seven years. Upon his return, he will take up his new job (talk about campus placement). In case his does happen, the world will be a much better place, with this megalomaniacal warlord seeking world domination. Communism will spread (and gonorrhoea), and all of us will have to do atleast one bad deed a day.

One last note. The real heir was arrested for drunk driving, spent time in rehab, and is now working the night shift in a call center in Chennai, where he spends the days drinking, womanmizing and watching Popeye and Sex and The City. Look what a huge effect a putrid limburger and adultrated Laxatives had on the future of humanity.

Air Deccan..........Sorry...........Air Dhakkan

This is a passage which almost all of us have heard. For the benefit of the deprived few here it is...

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain PATEL welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Air Deccan. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off. It was due to bad weather, bad gas and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.

This is flight 420 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India.... hopefully. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air Deccan has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure that I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our Passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve Complimentary Daru and Vada Pav. For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, we will be flying right next to Jet Airways, and their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. These windows have been removed for your viewing pleasure.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order 2 catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible. For the best view, if however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat, and for those of you, who can’t find a seat, attach yourself to the toilet seat. If you are seated there, kindly do not flush, as we will not have water for your tea. If you are traveling in the cargo hold, don’t hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

Logic For Dummies (who are so dumb that they have been classified under a new species Homo stupidus) 1st edition

Whoever said that logic is something which is completely abstract? Here, I have dumbed down logic for your sake. Understand the concept carefully, and one day, you might evolve into a human being.

To Prove : God Does Not Exist

1. Nobody is perfect.
2. God is perfect
3. Therefore, God is Nobody.
4. Therefore, He does not exist.


To Prove : God does not Exist

1. I stink, therefore I am.
2. Thus the less you stink the less real you are.
3. The cleaner you are the less you stink.
4. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
5. Therefore God doesn't exist.


To Prove : Ray Charles is God

1. God is love.
2. Love is blind
3. Ray Charles is blind.
4. Therefore, Ray Charles is God.


To Prove : I am immortal

1. Nobody is immortal.
2. Everyone says I'm nobody.
3. Therefore I'm immortal.


To Prove : I am God

1. My teachers said that they would never get rid of me.
2. Therefore, I would trouble them for ever.
3. Therefore, I am immortal.
4. Only God Is Immortal
5. I Am God


To Prove : I am the ultimate master of torture

1. Ray Charles is God.
2. I am God.
3. Therefore, I am Ray Charles.
4. Therefore, I sing blues accompanied by a saxophone.
5. Therefore, I am the ultimate master of torture.


To Prove : 2 + 2 = 5

1. CRITICAL WINDOWS ERROR 404Ex255B/86
2. Windows cannot execute this instruction: "2 + 2 = ?".
3. This is because Windows is only programmed to give error messages.
4. Windows will use instead this randomly chosen number as result: 5.
5. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5.


To prove : Sex is better than chocolate

1. Anything is better than nothing.
2. Nothing is better than Chocolate.
3. Therefore, anything is better than chocolate.
4. Including Sex.

To prove : People who eat too much chocolate are impotent

1. Sex is better than chocolate.
2. Some people think chocolate is better than sex.
5. Therefore, those who eat too much chocolate do not like sex.
6. Therefore they are impotent.


To Prove : You are bisexual

1. You drink water.
2. You Like Water.
3. Everybody Likes water.
4. You Like Everybody.
5. You are bisexual.
6. I drink only beer.
7. I am straight.