School

Definition

Once there was a life, then there was school. The school system as seen today was derived from ancient educational systems. In response to the bleakness and sadness of unresricted sexual freedom, the ancients invented a form of compulsory education that would require all children born at a very early age to attend a local "educational" establishment that would provide "hope", "colour", "happiness" and "love" to all. The initial system was open to only some children, but later opened up to girls, blacks and homosexuals. A shelf system was formed to help structure a nearly-dead person's educational progress, consisting of several rungs formed out of French-made British steel.

Teachers

After the Student's Revolt of in 1956 or another, the Coalition of Old People (or COPs as they are affectionately known) became the Teachers' Union. Commonly known as "Satan´s Bitches", their purpose has remained secret for many years. Hence members are generally ignored, spat at, shot at, or cursed at. Some suspect that their pure existence is to drain the life out of the universe, child by child. "Teachers" as known are the worst enemies of students (prisoners) and must be killed. Traditionally, members of the Union (Teachers) present themselves to children for 5 days of 7, and children (or 'students' as they became known) were expected to present the 'teachers' with large amounts of work to sift through. Whilst children were away, law stated that the teachers were to analyse and assign a rating to each piece of work. This acted merely as a way to justify their existence and offered no long-term benefits. Students would collect the response and feign sadness or joy in order to toy with the emotional state of the teacher, irrespective of the overall importance of the assessment. Interestingly, it has been estimated that around 80% of school teachers posses repetitive flatulence disorder.

Work

Children are assigned to write a lot of stuff, called "term papers", "essays", "projects", etc. However, those projects may even be bloody, because “prisoners” are sent to special tasks, like James Bond had been sent. However, students are not equipped to survive these assignments, and many do not return. Teachers also assign students to do mathematics tasks, but there is no logic there. And everyone includes photos or posters into folders instead of any written task. That is severely punished but it hardly works, because prisoners have gradually developed immunity over assignments. A system of grades exists to subjugate those brave enough to reject the teacher's sooth-sayings.

• A - Asses. These students are sickeningly smart, and wave it in front of all others faces. They will also be the first to die when zombies take over the world (the invasion will start Thursday).
• B - Bastard. Assigned to those who try really hard to accept the lies but fail anyway.
• C - Cool. As a result of being a member of a gang, the student realizes that only uncool kids get bad grades.
• D - Deadly. Given to students who give other students rat poison.
• F - Fucked up!!!!!. Rarely given. Only for star students, i.e. those who will never go anywhere in the future, unless they enter politics.

(In case you are wondering where the 'E' went, I god an F on Spelling & Grammar.)

If you are an ass 8 out of 8 subjects, you will become the ultimate asshole, more commonly known as the "Honor Roll".

Progressing in School

School, as we know it today, is divided into different levels which are given numbers in ascending order. These numbers serve a dual purpose: The first being a constant reminder of how many years have been stolen from you by the State. The second (and much more widely recognized and understood) is to give a false sense that you are accomplishing something as you move up the numerical scales when in fact, your life is being slowly and inexorably sucked from your nostril.

• Kindergarten, codenamed half-way house, taught young little bastards false lies, including suggestions that the earth was rectangular, the sky was red, the Pope is a virgin, Miley Cyrus is a good singer, and Jesus really was Satan.
• Primary, taught its inmates that "Life is Fantastic" and "All your hopes will come true if you do the Right Thing". These statements are, of course, lies.
• Secondary, the final stage of School was codenamed "High" and promote drugs, alcohol and unprotected sex. At this stage, most kids tend to become aware that they are being brainwashed and some try to assassinate the president. To counter this, many crack houses have placed machines that dispense coke, marijuana, heroin, LSD, and crystal meth.

Food

School lunches generally consist of re-heated stuff from Flea Market. However, if your school is one of those fancy prep schools, you are treated to:

• The contents of last week's school dinners.
• The dust from the old stock cupboard.
• Remains of former students.
• Left-overs from 4 years ago.
• The remains of the fat kid that went missing last week.

The higher quality of school food, equipped with cameras and lasers which are devoured by students. It is mostly made use of for random punishment at a teacher's pleasure by detonating the device once inside the 'student'. To disguise the true contents of the food, it is all thoroughly deep fried in 102% pig fat, to ensure heart attacks at young ages. School french fries do burn quite nicely, however. If you ever need a candle, then go ahead and light one of them on fire. Those things will burn for HOURS!

Similarities between school and prison :

• School - Prison
• Student - Prisoner
• Principal - Warden
• Teachers - Guards
•  Caretakers - Rapists and perverts
• Classroom - Jail cell
• Playground - This is the prison yard, a place where children are beaten to the ground and held down by the weight of several others in time honoured tradition.
• Gym - Torture Chamber
• Dining hall - Gas Chamber/oven
• Toilets - Places where scientists administer the most potent plagues onto innocent students
• Showers - Just like at Auschwitz
• School bus - Prison Bus A large yellow tin can that comes to your house and abducts your children and brings them to a large inescapable building.
• Food - Horse shit
• Chem. lab - Brainwashing area
• Office - Electric Chair
• Workshop - Like prison, if you're good, you get to work at a "job", except in this "job" you work towards cutting off all of your fingers on the band-saw and/or showing off your nerd skills, which in turn gets you beaten up by that kid with 16" thick arms
• Bio Lab - Like a prison, a place where horrific experiments are carried out on subjects
• Physics Lab - A place where you are forced to violate the laws of science, or the teacher violates you.

False Rumours

• Recess is a break from work
• Going to school is better than making out in a drak alley
• There's a pool on the third floor right by the elevator
• There is a third floor
• There is an elevator
• School is good
• School is not where small children hide their drugs
• School is where fat kids get laid
• Tech Math II is serious business

Qoutes

“I quite enjoyed the floggings.”

    ~ Oscar Wilde on School 

“Remember kids, stay in drugs, and don't do school!”

    ~ The Wise Men on School 

“Get your books out, and turn to page one hundred and fourteen.”

    ~ Denzel Washington 

"We don't need no, education!"

    ~ Pink Floyd on school 

“I agree with Floyd. And kids be sure to have your guns cocked and loaded.”

    ~ Osama Dustbin Laden. 

“And make sure you can shoot the damn gun.”

    ~ Raj Thakarey 

“School Security Agency will solve the problem”

    ~ A. Ramadoss 

“Fuck dis, i is leavin'”

    ~ Jorj (George) Bush

Classroom Bloopers

This is a list of funny, embarassing or idiosyncratic things our teachers say in class, compiled from my friends and family. Read, and send me some more if you can - one liners only.

 

1. Both of you three, get out.

 

2. Dont talk in front of my back.

 

3. Keep quiet until the principal passes away.

 

4. Why are you looking at the monkey when I am here?

 

5. Know or no know?

 

6. Bunsen Burner gives fire when you pass gas.

 

7. To have a good body we must make out daily.

 

8. Thank you, Mr. Health Inspector. Before we saw you, we didnt know what a cockroach looked like.

 

9. Open the window, let the climate in.

 

10. I will throw window out of you.

 

11. Give me a red pen of any colour.

 

12. You both stand in a straight circle.

 

13. To fly a kite, face wind and throw up.

 

14. Tell your mother to pack your bag or I will come at night and do it with her.

 

15. Those wishing to play must come with their balls in their hands.

 

16. Monitors not wearing their badges will be stripped.

 

17. Those wearing their caps around, turn your heads backwards.

 

18. Absentees, hands up.

 

19. Germs live in Germany.

 

20. Principal is rotating corridor.

 

21. When visiting, knock up door.

 

22. To become famous, hit sixers, like sachin.

 

23. To increase pressure in pipe, suck on it.

 

24. Girls and boys in two lines, rest of you in center.

 

25. My mobile is unbalanced, go buy a balance for it.

 

26. Find length of this ruler.

 

27. Pulley and rope have loose motion.

Pain Inc. - ENEMA

Hear ye, those seeking enlightenment - you have come to the end of your long journey. To gain enlightenment -

 1. Sign the guestbook.

 2. Mail two self addressed and stamped envelopes, with personal details to me.

 3. Attach a demand draft for 11.95$ in favour of Pain Inc.

You will hence avail of my exclusive correspondance course - ENEMA (Entirely Needless Evil Maniacal Anthology), which will give training in -

 1. Sarcasam

 2. Humour

 3. Torure

 4. Hacking

 5. Pure evil

 6. Organ Extraction *

 7. Creative Writing

 8. Advanced mathematics

 * First 50 applications will recieve a free copy of my latest book - Brain Surgery For Dummies (published hardcover   by Penguin Books and Indian Edition by Rupa Publications)

Just listen to these rave reviews-

 

 1. ENEMA changed my life. I won the elections because I knew how to write tortorously long speeches, which had my   opponents crying for mercy - George W. Bush

 

 2. ENEMA is a must for all people who claim to have a social moral sense - how else would they know how to perform   anatomical modifications to enable super long hunger strikes - Medha Patkar

 3. ENEMA is what enabled me to effectively mould the philosiphy of my regime, and gave me tips for getting rid of a   certain section of society - Adolf Hitler

 4. ENEMA taught me to write lyrics which was extensively used by doctors, as they completely eliminated the need for   laxatives - Javed Akthar

 5. ENEMA is a tool for all sadists and paedophiles - how else would I have been able to torure hundreds of   generations of children by making them study my calculus - Isaac Newton

 6. ENEMA is the quickest route to riches and international fame, not to mention the hot women, as without it, I would  not have been able to write books that are so horrible, people think they are great - Salman Rushdie.

 

So come one, come all. Join the social revolution.

The Ant And The Grasshopper

This is a joke which has been much circulated on the internet. Check it out.

OLD VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.   Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Kofi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance). Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry. CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'. Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act   [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter. Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational Insititutions & in Government Services. He makes a 70 : 30 ratio compulsory for the sake of local species of grasshoppers.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV. Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden' Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in Silicon Valley. 100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India. As a result of losing lot of hard working ants and feeding the grasshoppers India is still a developing country.....

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Laws, also called the Ten Commandments are one of the fundamental laws of nature, even more fundamental than, for example, the law of consentual intercourse. It is a very optimistic law, stating if anything can go wrong, it will. If it can't go wrong, it will go wrong anyway. It has recently been proved that Jesus is actually behind Murphy's Law, and that Murphy's Law is blamed incorrectly.

Murphy's Law was discovered and formalized by Albert Murphy Sinbad Einstein, after whom it was named. Albert came to the idea when he was bathing under a tree, and an apple landed exactly on the cold tap. This incident also led to the invention of cold water. The law was passed without any votes against, critics mention that anyone who would oppose had missed his or her plane, had an engine failure or hit both nail and finger with a hammer. Those for the law cite the same incidents.

A prime Example of Murphy's Law can be found in the everyday life of an unfortunate idiot named Manmohan Singh. This inevitably proves this law. Murphy's Law says that if anything can go wrong, it will. But, this stupid law applies to itself: itself can go wrong, that is, there must be a situation where something can go wrong and it won't go wrong. So, Murphy Law is paradoxal, and by reductio ad absurdum, I boned Britney Spears.

The Laws -

* Thou shalt steal from the only house with nothing to steal.

* Thou shalt commit adultery with the only woman on the street with gonorrhea.

* Thou shalt always get caught lying, except if Thou art a politician.

* If thou art a politician, thou shalt get caught lying about something ten times worse.

* Ye Olde pot of gold is on the other side of the rainbow.

* Someone else will always get Ye Olde last slice of pizza.

* When Thou gets married to a woman from Thailand, Thee later finds out that she was a man .

* When Thy attempts to hit a nail, Thy Shalt always hit Thy's finger.

* It is always sunny on Wednesday afternoons.

* It always rains outside.

* Toast will always fall with the buttered side down, and Thou can never tell the right side of the toast to butter.

* If Thee attach the toast to the back of a cat with the buttered side up, gravity will explode, since cats always land on their feet. So Murphy's    

   law has applications in antigravitatory cats.

* The chances of the toast landing buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

* When one searches with a search engine, one ends up on Booble, not on Google.

* When waiting in line, Thy's line will be the slowest. Otherwise, the line Thou are in will move quickest, and Thou Shalt break Thy leg trying to keep up.

* If Thou like women, chances are, Thy art a lesbian.

* The light at the end of a tunnel is normally the light of an oncoming train.

* Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll to the exact center (or anyplace out of reach) under the car.

* a coin dropped while sitting on a couch will lodge itself in the only place Thou think not to look.

* If Thou are a student and you studied 99 chapters out of hundred, then the whole exam will only come from the one chapter Thou left.

* If Thou are working on an important project, any dogs and/or cats in the house will immediately place themselves upon it.

* When Thou look for the remote, its always in the last place Thou look. Well, its always in the last place you look cause after you find it,   Thou  don't need to look for it anymore, so, yeah.

* In Video games, Player 2 always wins, as he is in fact the terminator.

* A 50% chance of becoming sterile during a vasectomy actually means 95%.

* When playing Russian Roulette, all 5 other people will get lucky.

* If half of your songs are good and you put your iPod on shuffle, you will hear Michael Jackson until your iPod battery has exactly 4 seconds left.

* Thou shalt miss the first bus, and usually have to wait half an hour for the next one to arrive.

Over the years, various scholarly personalities have researched and commented on Murphy's Laws, and some have even written books on it. The University of Ongudugu offers a PhD in Murphy's Laws. Given below are some scholarly comments.

“My mother in-law died two days after I met her. ”

    ~ Son In-Law on the proven success of Murphy's Law

“Murphy? I'd really like to meet him some day, so I can kick the living crap out of him”

    ~ Everybody else on Murphy's Law

“Murphy's Law? Is that the one with the toast?”

    ~ Oscar Wilde on Murphy's Law 

The Modern Marriage

This is an interesting and humorous look at the modern notion of marriage - courtesy my sister.

Before Marriage - - -

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course! Over and over!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get!

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top!!

Sai Baba's Hair......sorry......Heir

A recent news report announced the finding of the heir of the current SAi Baba. Allow me to give you some background information, as I am personally acquainted with the person in question. For sake of privacy and to prevent one billion hindus losing their faith, I have decided to change names and purposely supress facts and incidents, to protect the weak minded from the true horror of this greusome episode.

The person in question was an extremely close friend of mine. We were in the same class for about ten years, and we were considered the Einsteins of the school. Together, we won National level quizes and debates, pretty much flattening any opposition. We filled up half of the trophy room ourselves.

A bit of background info on this character. Besides me, he Is the most evil person I know (which is a bit of an oxymoron, as no one knows me, not even myself). he was brilliant at pretty much everything he did. He was a hardcore communist, and had a healthy loathing for religion and a proper aversion towards authority figures. He was a hardcore heavy metal fan, an an indiscriminate womanizer. Anyway, back to our story.

This chap secured prety good marks, and for some unfathomable reason, his mother decided to send him to the Sai Baba college at Puttaparthi. Six months into my 11th standard, I came accross this dude near his grandparents place. I hardly recognized him as he was in a lungi, and had shaved his head leaving only a small ponytail. The minute I sang out his name, he turned around and let out a stream of the choicest explicatives I have ever heard. I would have taped it to show to less enlightened souls, if I had not been reeling under the impact of the seventh word, which, in conjunction with the third, had left me gasping. That was the last I heard of him for a year and a half. A few days back, I read an article, the gist of which I will put down here.

One night, when Sai Baba was meditating, god came to him in a vision and told him that his heir had arrived in Puttaparthi and that a sign would soon proclaim his identity. Whoever could pull a sword from a stone (is it just me or does this sound familiar) would be the next Sai Baba. Immediately, the test was set up, and all were free to try. Through a series of unfathomable, embarassing, smelly and completely unforseeable circumstances, involving some PARTICULARLY bad wind, a cigarette lighter and one demented idiot, the chap blasted the stone to pieces. He was hailed as the next Savior of Mankind.

Protesting voiciferously, he was draped in orange robes, smeared with sandal and made to wear wooden shoes. Completely against his will, a number of golden lingams were inserted in his stomach. He was then made to use SAI BABA'S MIRACLE HAIR GROWTH FORMULA (TM), so that his hair would become big and frizzy. When they realized what a plague upon humanity he really was, he was subjected to Electro Shock treatment to make him kind and gentle. My sister was roped in as a specialist in this field. She still gets the glint in her eyes when we speak of this episode.

The latest news I have heard of him indicates that he has been sent to the himalayas to meditate for seven years. Upon his return, he will take up his new job (talk about campus placement). In case his does happen, the world will be a much better place, with this megalomaniacal warlord seeking world domination. Communism will spread (and gonorrhoea), and all of us will have to do atleast one bad deed a day.

One last note. The real heir was arrested for drunk driving, spent time in rehab, and is now working the night shift in a call center in Chennai, where he spends the days drinking, womanmizing and watching Popeye and Sex and The City. Look what a huge effect a putrid limburger and adultrated Laxatives had on the future of humanity.

Air Deccan..........Sorry...........Air Dhakkan

This is a passage which almost all of us have heard. For the benefit of the deprived few here it is...

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain PATEL welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Air Deccan. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off. It was due to bad weather, bad gas and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.

This is flight 420 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India.... hopefully. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air Deccan has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure that I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our Passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve Complimentary Daru and Vada Pav. For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, we will be flying right next to Jet Airways, and their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. These windows have been removed for your viewing pleasure.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order 2 catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible. For the best view, if however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat, and for those of you, who can’t find a seat, attach yourself to the toilet seat. If you are seated there, kindly do not flush, as we will not have water for your tea. If you are traveling in the cargo hold, don’t hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

Logic For Dummies (who are so dumb that they have been classified under a new species Homo stupidus) 1st edition

Whoever said that logic is something which is completely abstract? Here, I have dumbed down logic for your sake. Understand the concept carefully, and one day, you might evolve into a human being.

To Prove : God Does Not Exist

1. Nobody is perfect.
2. God is perfect
3. Therefore, God is Nobody.
4. Therefore, He does not exist.


To Prove : God does not Exist

1. I stink, therefore I am.
2. Thus the less you stink the less real you are.
3. The cleaner you are the less you stink.
4. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
5. Therefore God doesn't exist.


To Prove : Ray Charles is God

1. God is love.
2. Love is blind
3. Ray Charles is blind.
4. Therefore, Ray Charles is God.


To Prove : I am immortal

1. Nobody is immortal.
2. Everyone says I'm nobody.
3. Therefore I'm immortal.


To Prove : I am God

1. My teachers said that they would never get rid of me.
2. Therefore, I would trouble them for ever.
3. Therefore, I am immortal.
4. Only God Is Immortal
5. I Am God


To Prove : I am the ultimate master of torture

1. Ray Charles is God.
2. I am God.
3. Therefore, I am Ray Charles.
4. Therefore, I sing blues accompanied by a saxophone.
5. Therefore, I am the ultimate master of torture.


To Prove : 2 + 2 = 5

1. CRITICAL WINDOWS ERROR 404Ex255B/86
2. Windows cannot execute this instruction: "2 + 2 = ?".
3. This is because Windows is only programmed to give error messages.
4. Windows will use instead this randomly chosen number as result: 5.
5. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5.


To prove : Sex is better than chocolate

1. Anything is better than nothing.
2. Nothing is better than Chocolate.
3. Therefore, anything is better than chocolate.
4. Including Sex.

To prove : People who eat too much chocolate are impotent

1. Sex is better than chocolate.
2. Some people think chocolate is better than sex.
5. Therefore, those who eat too much chocolate do not like sex.
6. Therefore they are impotent.


To Prove : You are bisexual

1. You drink water.
2. You Like Water.
3. Everybody Likes water.
4. You Like Everybody.
5. You are bisexual.
6. I drink only beer.
7. I am straight.